Zombies. Witches. Evil clowns. Executioners. Werewolves. Vampires.
There’s plenty to be frightened of each Oct. 31.
Equally horrifying is the following list of scary scenarios. Each year at The Hinsdalean, we come up with our own terrifying tales in honor of Halloween, imaging a variety of outrageous occurrences and their outcomes.
Don’t be alarmed! Unlike evil clowns, this is all in good fun.
• SNL writers get a hold of video from recent District 86 board meetings and are inspired to create another school board meeting sketch. The phrase “moral hazard” is featured prominently.
• Dog owners, upset with plans to build a fenced-in area for canines at KLM, instead of letting them run loose there. Dogs, dressed in prisoner outfits (yes, they make them) gather in protest, refusing to be “jailed in.”
• Drivers start putting lawn chairs in their trunks so they can call dibs on parking spaces in the deck near Hinsdale Middle School when they go to lunch, since there never seem to be any spaces available after noon.
• With so many residents buying second homes in Naples, The Hinsdalean decides to launch its second newspaper there. After spending some time in January on the balmy Gulf coast, the editor and publisher decide to move the entire operation there, leaving Hinsdale without a weekly community newspaper.
• Supply chain issues leave Hinsdale residents with no yard waste bags to use for the annual fall leaf pick-up. Kramer’s — well-stocked with paper grocery bags — offers to help, but runs out after the first 10 houses use up 1,000 bags.
• Drivers of luxury cars start actually stopping at stop signs in towns, causing a record number of rear-end collisions.
• Village officials reject the notion of a historic overlay district, instead enacting a haunted overlay district. The new owners of the Bagley House claim it is inhabited by Frank Lloyd Wright’s ghost and earn $1 million in tax credits.
• Gas prices get so high that the Fuller family brings back the pumps to the corner of Lincoln Street and Chicago Avenue. The wait for a car wash jumps to two hours, as there is no room for workers to dry off the vehicles.
• Supply chain issues leave Hinsdale residents with no red Solo cups to use to disguise their wine as they take their children trick-or-treating. Fortunately, a YETI tumbler works just as well — and holds twice as much Merlot.
• The latest report from the CDC indicates that the new COVID-19 vaccines for children are effective in proportion to the amount of time kids spend watching TikTok videos. Parents everywhere scramble to remember their screen time password to remove the app’s time limit from their child’s device.
• Elected officials’ spouses start showing up at meetings all over town to share their spouses’ — uh, we mean their — opinions.
• District 181 mascots, jelly of Monroe School’s victory in the annual Rotary Run Charity Classic mascot race, make sus accusations that Miles the Mustang used performance-enhancing drugs. Miles, feeling very emo, responds with charges of bullying against his former peeps. All are given detention and required to complete literally hours of online sensitivity training.
