This past football season, I finally realized a long-standing dream of mine to watch football 24/7.
Impossible, you say? Way, I say.
First of all, there is some kind of football on broadcast TV, cable TV, streaming, online, etc., nonstop, all day, every day. Now, don't get me wrong. You do have to be flexible. It's not all pro or college. Sometimes you have to watch games that were decided decades ago. Sometimes you have to watch high school football, flag football, Falcon Football, even Turkey-day pickup football with old guys like me. Sometimes, it's not even a game. It's people talking about games. Nothing unreasonable.
You doubters might also say: What about work? What about sleep? No problem. First of all, make sure you work from home and keep football playing on TV and your phone while you (wink, wink) work. Sleep? I'm a firm believer in the power of the unconscious mind. So even when I'm sleeping, I have football on TV and on my phone playing nonstop while my brain absorbs it all like the football sponge it certainly is.
Now, I have to admit that there have been downsides. My wife divorced me and moved to Alaska where they don't have a pro team and spend their time hiking, ice fishing, dog sledding and just being in the great outdoors. Can you imagine the boredom?
And another downside - I've forgotten my kids' names. Yeah, kind of embarrassing. But, hey, on the upside, I can recite the entire starting line-up of the 1985 championship Chicago Bears. Bear down Chicago Bears! Right down to the "Fridge's" real name.
And being so single-minded has hurt my conversational abilities. I find myself yelling out, "Watch the pass," "End run," "Play-action," and, of course, "Touchdown!" But on the other hand, you'd be surprised how seamlessly those terms work their way into regular adult conversation. Yeah, really amazing.
I also have to warn you that celebrations like Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays are particularly challenging. Here's a tip: once you've stuffed yourself, sneak away into a quiet room that has a TV. If that's not possible, lock yourself in the bathroom with your phone under the guise of a stomachache.
Yeah, I know, I know, kind of rude to the host. But on the other hand, can you imagine the nerve of having holidays and birthdays on football days?! Now that's what I call rude!
But now, as I reflect on the season, I do kind of think I have, perhaps, wasted a sizable portion of my one-and-only life. And it gets me wondering if Shakespeare was referring to football when he entitled one of his comedies "Much Ado About Nothing." Yeah, football. Had to be.
Touchdown!
- Bill Barre of Hinsdale is a contributing columnist. Readers can email him at [email protected].
