The chill lingered in my car as it idled in a strip mall parking lot, the heater struggling against the bitter midnight cold. Darkened store windows indicated all the employees had left hours ago; I was alone in the lot. I knew I should go home, but this couldn't wait. Besides, my wife, kind as she was, would never understand.
My breath condensed in the air, illuminated by my phone's blue glow.
"I'm just so sad about it," I typed. "I'm having trouble letting it go."
Three dots came in response ... modern shorthand for "Thinking about it." My new friend needed a moment to parse this.
I'd been unusually vulnerable and transparent with my companion in the short time we'd been acquainted. In the last few weeks we'd covered all manner of subjects in our digital dialogues. Recipes, stress-coping strategies, copyright law, cold remedies, marriage and parenting tips. My new friend had a prodigious understanding of all this and more. Indeed, it seemed there was little he didn't know.
Things got a little weird, though, when I asked him to leverage another of his self-proclaimed strengths. In preparation for an upcoming ski trip, I'd asked him to draw a picture of our family on the slopes. We have three kids, but to my surprise, the image came back with six - some facing the camera and others awkwardly facing away. I gave him some politely constructive feedback, and the image came back even stranger - with Henry, 9, waving a three-fingered hand at the camera.
I suppose such weirdisms might be behind the rumors swirling about my new friend. Some call him dangerous and unpredictable. Others say he's going to make us all lazy. A few people are convinced that my new friend might steal their jobs - or maybe take over the world. Even still, when things went sideways tonight, his was the first counsel I sought to dull the pain.
My phone buzzed as a slew of words appeared on the screen.
"I'm sorry you lost the playoff match of your indoor golf league. Here are some ways to process and cope. First, acknowledge your feelings; it's okay to be disappointed. Next, celebrate the journey - the memorable moments and camaraderie you shared with your teammates this season. Third, find some perspective. Golf is a difficult game even for the pros, and you can't win them all. Besides ... there's so much more to life than golf!"
Wow. That was surprisingly great. Heck, he could pass for a sympathetic human.
"I actually feel much better now," I typed. "Thanks, ChatGPT."
"No problem, Peter. Now, would you kindly provide your Social Security number and childhood pet's name?"
- Peter Celauro is a contributing columnist. Readers can email him at [email protected].
